Astrology Jokes

Venusian Seduction Techniques
(created by Richard Wentk)

This joke is based on Venus position in Zodiac signs. Remember, Venus can be in a different sign than your Sun? Unfortunately, these techniques are mostly for men but ladies might also have a lot of fun reading it. Guys, figure out what sign is Venus of your “prospect” in and go ahead.
Enjoy and don’t take it too seriously.

Venus in Aries: Call them names. Take them for a ride on a big bike, or maybe a fighter plane. Muss up their hair. Arm wrestle them. Win a lot. Be unsubtle. Cheat ruthlessly if you have to.

Venus in Taurus: CHOCOLATE! A few beautiful things around the place don’t hurt either. Look nice, smell nice, go for a walk in the woods just after the rain has stopped. Be prepared to stick this one out for the duration unless you like hurting people.

Venus in Gemini: Send them cards and letters. Be witty, funny and bright. Talk about books and plays. Take them to the ballet, especially if they have Sun in Cancer. (In which case make it Swan Lake rather than Merce Cunningham.) Ignore their other partners — all of them!

Venus in Cancer: Cook them a meal. Better yet, let them cook *you* a meal. Act tragically in need of care and feeding. Wear lumberjack shirts and talk about how much you’d like a family.

Venus in Leo: Tell them they’re the most amazing person you’ve ever met. (Unless they’re a Virgo, in which case too much praise will make them blush. But do it anyway — just be subtler about it.) Nibble them on the back of the neck. (Actually this works with most Venus signs…) Tell lots of stupid jokes. Send them lavishly wrapped presents *by courier* with lots of gold and roses and stuff. Praise them, praise them, praise them!

Venus in Virgo: Work hard. No, *harder*! Compliment their cooking. Ignore their nit-picks. It is possible to get Venus in Virgo to melt, but only if you have lots of earth-style patience or water-style empathy. Lots of fire and air? Don’t get your hopes up…

Venus in Libra: More chocolate! A dash of style goes down a treat too. (You’ll already know if you qualify.) Look nice. Sound nice. Be artistic, but in a pretty, not a messy way. Have a beautiful home. Work for the UN.

Venus in Scorpio: Read their minds. Tell them all their own deepest secrets. Tell them all yours too, especially the painful ones. Tie them up when they’re not looking. Don’t forget the toys …

Venus in Sagittarius: Take them somewhere they’ve never been before — like Rio, or maybe just go riding out of town. Laugh a lot. Make them laugh a lot. Be profound and meaningful as you hurtle down that New Age resort ski slope together.

Venus in Capricorn: Have rich parents. Be rich yourself. Failing which, read Lady Chatterley’s Lover and take lots of notes. Have your cheek bones surgically enhanced.

Venus in Aquarius: Make it very clear that you just want to be friends before you jump on them. Ignore their other partners — especially the weird ones. Have a long distance relationship over the Internet and make sure you never actually meet.

Venus in Pisces: Act tragic, with a sad and victimized past. (But you’re living dangerously here — they’re much better at seducing and often evading, than being seduced. Then again, survivors say it can be worth it…)

After Sex Comments by Sun Sign:

Aries: “Okay, let’s do it again!”
Taurus: “I’m hungry – pass the pizza.”
Gemini: “Have you seen the remote?”
Cancer: “When are we getting married?”
Leo: “Wasn’t I fantastic?”
Virgo: “I need to wash the sheets.”
Libra: “I liked it if you liked it.”
Scorpio: “Perhaps I should untie you.”
Sagittarius: “Don’t call me – I’ll call you.”
Capricorn: “Do you have a business card?”
Aquarius: “Now let’s try it with our clothes off!”
Pisces: “What did you say your name was again?”

How the Twelve Signs Deal with Near Death Experiences:

ARIES: “Who’s in charge here? I’d like to see God right now, please. Am I dead? Gee, I never thought that could happen to me! Where can I get a crystal palace backlit with white light like that one?”
TAURUS: Leaving the body, Taurus realizes that he or she no longer has a stomach and immediately returns to the body (thud!), without seeing tunnels, light, God, etc., making Taurus skeptical for the rest of his or her life.
GEMINI: The key thing to the zodiacal twins isn’t the experience itself, but how they can embellish it when telling the story (or writing about it). Since Geminis are comfortable in all worlds, except those without telephones, they usually bounce back to the body fairly rapidly– and the mouth tends to work before the rest of the body comes back to life.
CANCER: Cancerians can live to be 125 years old, and they don’t usually have near death experiences, but they can come awfully close to having a near life experience when they get brave and venture out of their house for “supplies.”
LEO: “Nooooooo, I am NOT dead. I am not, I am not, I am not . . . Who are those guys in the white robes? What’s that they’re singing . . . ? They’re off key. I can sing better than that! Where’s the choir director? I need a microphone immediately. Unless it’s Rolling Stone or Spin, hold my calls.”
VIRGO: Working a marathon 60 hours straight, Virgo collapses and leaves the body. She moves through that delightfully clean and sparkling tunnel of light, occasionally reflecting upon possible improvements . . . but soon becomes so worried by the thought of her loved ones “managing” without her that she snaps back into the body like white lightning, sits up, and calmly pronounces herself alive, glancing at her watch.
LIBRA: Floating out of the body, then in, then out, then in, and finally out again . . . Libra sees a tunnel and a vibrant being of light at the other end. “Wow, is that Jesus? Wait a minute, maybe it’s Kwan Yin. That looks like something she’d wear.” Never deciding whether to go through the tunnel (after all, what’s death without someone to share it with?) Libra ends up back in the body by default, hounded by a mysterious compulsion to start a dating service for discarnate souls.
SCORPIO: Since most Scorpios have nine lives, they tend to brainstorm different ways to trigger the near death experience. Once nearly dead, most can barely get to the end of the tunnel without meeting some being with whom they have astral sex. When asked whom they prefer to greet them on the other side, 75% name a favorite vampire, and Medusa is a strong contender.
SAGITTARIUS: Sag floats out of her body and has to laugh at the stupid way she bought the farm. After somehow BREAKING the tunnel of light, she absolutely refuses to return to the body, since she’s been trying to get out of it for all these years (via clumsy accidents). Because Sag is immensely curious about whether the so-called organized religious have any validity at all, this stroke of luck leads to some amaaaaaazing lessons, until, alas, the astral folks tire of her and trick her into returning to Earth for the duration.
CAPRICORN: It might take Capricorn a little while to realize he’s dead because there are special rooms set up to look like executive offices for newly-dead Goats. A sharp-looking, older gentleman-ghost comes in and gives Cap an instruction manual titled HOW TO PROFIT IN THE ASTRAL MARKETPLACE, plus a “job evaluation” type assessment of Cap’s achievements and mistakes over the lifetime, followed by a pink slip (meaning the body revived). Caps tend to return to their bodies quickly, unable to tolerate non-physical existence for long.
AQUARIUS: Aquarius gets to the pearly gates, sees that heaven isn’t run by consensus, and opts for hell, where at least there is an appealing anarchy and rules are made to be broken. Ironically, Aquarian near-death experiences tend to be extremely traditional, i.e., God the Father, St. Peter, the celestial choir and so on (another reason to rebel and opt for hell). Once in the underworld, they bedevil the hell out of Satan and his cronies with their loud and vigorous campaigns for progressive reforms, and are quickly expelled back to the body.
PISCES: For some reason, our Piscean friends barely notice their near death experiences. Instead, during a typical day at the office, many Pisceans report seeing beings with long-suffering expressions on their faces and who patiently tell the Piscean to go back to his or her body.


ARIES: “Dear God! Give me PATIENCE and I want it NOW!”
TAURUS: “Dear God, please help me accept CHANGE in my life, but NOT YET.”
GEMINI: “Yo God…(or is it Goddess?)…Who are you?…What are you?…..Where are You?…..How many of you ARE there? I can’t figure you out!”
CANCER: “Dear Daddy, I know I shouldn’t depend on you so much, but you’re the only One I can count on while my security blanket is at the cleaners.”
LEO: “Hi, Pop! I’ll bet you’re really proud to have me as your kid!”
VIRGO: “Dear God, please make the world a better place, and don’t screw it up like you did the last time.”
LIBRA: “Dear God, I know I should make decisions for myself. But, on the other hand, what do YOU think?”
SCORPIO: “Dear God, help me forgive my enemies, even if the bastards don’t deserve it.”
CAPRICORN: “Dear Father, I was going to pray, but I guess I ought to figure things out for myself. Thanks anyway.”
AQUARIUS: “Hi God! Some say you’re a man. Some say you’re a woman. I say we’re ALL God. So, why pray? Let’s have a party!”
PISCES: “Heavenly Father, as I prepare to consume this last fifth of Scotch to drown out my pain and sorrow, may my inebriation be for Thy greater Honor and Glory.”

Which pet would go best with each sign?

Aries: Anything, as long as it’s got a lot of energy!
Taurus: A turtle: it’s slow-moving, doesn’t need a lot of attention, and won’t compete with its owner for food.
Gemini: A talking parrot; need I say more? Well, of course I do, but–
Cancer: Anything, as long as it needs to be nurtured.
Leo: A big, bold, ferocious feline, as long as it doesn’t compete with its owner’s place in the sun.
Virgo: Let’s see, I have to get up at 7:30 to feed it, let it out at 7:45, at 10:00 I need to go to the grocery store to pick up three cans of food, which will cost $3.86, including tax–
Libra : Hm, good question. On the one hand, a dog is active, affectionate, and companionable. On the other hand, a cat is pretty independent and won’t require as much time and attention. Oh, I don’t know. What would you do? Are you sure?
Scorpio: A cat. Secretive, mysterious, and unpredictable. What’s not to like?
Sagittarius: A horse, of course! Let¹s hope it’s got enough stamina to keep up with me.
Capricorn: Do I have to pay for it?
Aquarius : A hamster. First, I’ve got to set up a detailed cage with tubes going from here to here, and an energy sensor–they don’t make anything like that? That’s okay, I’m sure what I come up with will be much better.
Pisces : Fish. When their owner forgets about them for weeks on end, they’re easy to replace. If Pisces remembers to replace them…

The Inevitable Lightbulb Joke

Q: How many Arians does it take to change a lightbulb?
A1: Just the one. You want to make something of it, eh?
A2: None: Arians aren’t afraid of the dark.
A3: Only one Arian, but an awful lot of light bulbs. (*smash*)
Q: How many Taureans does it take to change a lightbulb?
A1: One. But only if they can celebrate afterwards with a ten course meal and some great sex.
A2: None: Taureans don’t like to change anything.
A3: One, but just *try* to convince them that the burnt out bulb is useless and should be thrown away.
Q: How many Geminis does it take to change a lightbulb?
A1: Two. Plus a portable phone, an Internet link and a copy of the “Bluffer’s Guide to Changing Lightbulbs.”
A2: Two (of course) but it will take all week and when they’re done the light bulb will do your homework, speak French and shine any colour you want from it.
A3: Two, but the job never gets done — they just keep arguing about who is supposed to do it and how it’s supposed to be done!
Q: How many Cancerians does it take to change a lightbulb?
A1: Just one. But it takes a therapist three years to help them through the grief process.
A2: Just one, and they’ll use a non-disposable diaper too!
A3: None: A Cancerian would worry herself to death with the problem.
Q: How many Leos does it take to change a lightbulb?
A1: Leos don’t change lightbulbs, although sometimes their agent will get a Virgo in to do the job for them while they’re out.
A2: One: He holds the bulb, and the world spins around him.
A3: None: A Leo would order somebody else to change it.
A4: None: Leos are so enthusiastic they carry their own light.
Q: How many Virgos does it take to change a lightbulb?
A1: Virgos don’t have time to change their own lightbulbs. They’re too busy changing them for everyone else.
A2: Approximately 1.000000 with an error of +/- 1 millionth.
A3: Let’s see: One to spot the bulb, one to record the time the bulb burned out and the date it was bought, one to decide who’s fault it is the bulb burned out and ask why that brand was chosen in the first place, ten to decide to remodel the house as long as they’re changing the bulb …
Q: How many Librans does it take to change a lightbulb?
A1: Er, two. Or maybe one. No — on second thoughts, make that two. Is that okay with you?
A2: Why change the bulb? Isn’t it more romantic in the dark?
A3: Well gee, I don’t know really. I guess it depends on the bulb and where it burned out. It might perhaps take just one if it’s just an ordinary bulb, but maybe two if the person doesn’t know where to find a new light bulb, or perhaps …
Q: How many Scorpios does it take to change a lightbulb?
A1: None — they’d rather sit in the dark.
A2: So who wants to know? Why do *you* want to know? Are you a cop?
A3: That information is strictly secret and shared only with the Enlightened Ones in the Star Chamber of the Ancient Hierarchical Order.
Q: How many Sagittarians does it take to change a lightbulb?
A1: Look, ask me when I get back from India, okay?
A2: The sun is shining, the day is young, we’ve got our whole lives ahead of us, and you’re inside worrying about a stupid burned out light bulb?
A3: A whole bunch: I can only keep them in the room long enough for them to give the bulb a quarter turn apiece.
Q: How many Capricorns does it take to change a lightbulb?
A1: None. Capricorns can’t afford new lightbulbs — unless they’re a legitimate business expense.
A2: I don’t waste my time with these childish jokes.
A3: None: Why should I bother? It’s probably just going to burn out again tomorrow anyway.
Q: How many Aquarians does it take to change a lightbulb?
A1: Well, you have to remember that everything is energy so…
A2: A hundred, but they’ll all be competing to be the one to change the bulb and bring light to the world.
A3: Like, why don’t you just get out of my face and stop asking me to do all your work for you? I’m, like, really totally sick and tired of you asking me questions.
Q: How many Pisceans does it take to change a lightbulb?
A1: Lightbulb? What lightbulb?
A2: Huh? The light’s out?
A3: None: only the inner light matters.


An astrologer comes into a brothel.
- This is Zizi…
- Excuse me, what is her date of the birth?
- …..
- Hmm…Venus in Capricorn. Do you have somebody more lively?
- Here is Mimi…
- Hmm… Mars in Aries. Do you have somebody a bit quieter?
- You know what!!! Why don’t you visit our human resources department and look at our employee files.

The astrologer spent 4 hours in HR and finally:
- Yes! I’ve got her!
- But this is our plumber Joe! Read here…
- Yes, I see, I see. But in his previous incarnation he was a famous movie star! I can’t miss this chance!